From Power Struggles to Partnership: Building Cooperation with Your Gifted Child

My family only works on shared agreements–we continually aim for no punishments, no threats, no rewards, no bribes. In a nutshell–no coercion of any kind.

Years ago, when I worked with young people in the justice system, I learned about this particular phrase used by police officers: "Is there anything I can say or do to make you comply with my lawful request?" On the surface this may seem like a genuine attempt at de-escalation, however it was code between partners signalling that they were about to physically restrain the person, literally translated it meant, "I'll take the top half, you take the bottom half."

When I shared this insight with the young people I worked with – many of whom had multiple adult prison sentences – something remarkable happened. Understanding this coded language changed how they interacted with police. Despite their deep familiarity with the justice system, these young people had been caught in super painful and repetitive patterns leading to the same outcomes: conflict amplification, arrest, court hearings, and sadly, another prison sentence.

Capitalising on the safety and trust I established with them, together we'd break down previous interactions that had gone wrong, pinpointing moments where they might have had agency, validating their painful experiences of powerlessness, before creating clear agreements about future encounters. Over time we gradually built a different pathway forward.

The Parallel to Parenting Gifted Children This experience wasn't unlike my journey parenting a gifted child. The endless negotiations (where he'd out-logic me at every turn), combined with the fact that all 5 overexcitabilities were active, had made moving through the world increasingly difficult.

We found ourselves starting to avoid playdates and group activities because the unpredictability triggered struggles between us. That is, until I recognised the pattern and changed my approach–thank you, Aware Parenting.

What I discovered was that gifted children – with their heightened sense of justice and need for logical consistency – respond differently to conventional parenting approaches. When I tried to impose rules without explanation or enforce boundaries based solely on my (or others) authority, we ended up in circular arguments that left us both exhausted and frustrated. I didn't have time to slow down and do what was needed to gain his cooperation so I resorted to threats, bribes, punishments–the whole gamut of 'power over' techniques.

My soul ached every time I did it, but I had no alternative, my back was against a wall.

My Family Operates From Shared Agreements

The transformation began when I started implementing regular family meetings and establishing what I later came to know as "shared agreements." Shared agreements aren't rules imposed from a place of "I know best," but rather mutual commitments that we co-generate through thoughtful, and ongoing, discussion.

Now, instead of telling my son what to do, I remind him of what we've agreed upon together and the commitments he's made. And interestingly enough, he also reminds me about the things I might overlook – like my promises to be on time, which are impossible to justify after the conversations we've had about the importance he places on punctuality.

Within this framework, "arguments" take place inside a safe, structured space rather than erupting throughout the day during stressful transitions or when we're tired, full-up-of-feelings and irritable. Problem-solving happens in a specific, dedicated environment where we're focused, emotionally prepared and willing to engage.

Are we perfect? Nope! Do we still have disagreements? Of course we do! But they don't roll from one day to the next or devolve into tit-for-tat exchanges where we're each trying to "win" the next round, keeping score and harbouring an ever increasing list of resentments against each other or shame about our own words and actions.

Why Shared Agreements Work for Gifted Children

Cooperative parenting through shared agreements works particularly well for gifted children because:

• It honours their need for logical consistency

• It respects their capacity for complex reasoning

• It creates predictability while maintaining flexibility

• It transforms power struggles into problem-solving opportunities

• It teaches negotiation and compromise – essential life skills

• It validates their agency and autonomy

• It builds trust through follow-through on mutual commitments
  

Building Cooperation Through Attachment and Trust

It's important to note that cooperation doesn't exist in isolation. The foundation for these shared agreements comes from establishing safety and trust through attachment-style parenting – providing proximity, warmth, and prompt responsiveness to needs. This foundation is maintained by wholeheartedly committing to non-punitive discipline (avoiding coercion through threats, bribes, or punishment) and implementing the various styles of Attachment Play to address issues, resolve tensions, and repair misunderstandings. The latter also serves to provide much needed levity. The absurdity, and hilarity that gifted kids are so desperate for can be cultivated (see my article on humour and gifted children).

Along with this, our bright kids need a firm, loving, and reliable structure in which to flourish and the combination of secure attachment and clearly articulated shared expectations creates it.

Three Ways to Begin Establishing Shared Agreements Today

If you're tired of power struggles with your gifted child, here are three practical steps you can take right away:

1. Institute Regular Family Meetings

Set aside and vehemently protect a specific time each week (Sunday evenings work well for many families) for family meetings. Keep them relatively short (15-30 minutes depending on your child's age) and maintain a consistent format:

• Begin with appreciations (each person shares something they appreciate about family members)

• Review the previous week's agreements (what worked/what didn't)

• Identify current challenges that need addressing

• Collaboratively brainstorm solutions

• Document the new agreements

• End with something fun (a quick game, treat, or activity)
  

This consistent practice creates a container for addressing issues before they escalate and teaches valuable communication skills. Don't be afraid to make it fun. One of my clients bought thrift store ties and gave out clipboards to every family member to have their 'Extremely Serious Business Meetings'. This type of play can be healing for kids and adults alike.

2. Co-Create Clear Agreements About Specific Situations

Rather than waiting for conflicts to arise, proactively discuss situations where you typically see or sense friction. For example, if morning routines are challenging, bring it to the meeting when everyone is calm and ask some questions.

Document these agreements in age-appropriate ways – written contracts work for older children, role playing (among other styles of Attachment Play) works for younger ones.

3. Implement Regular Check-ins and Revisions

Shared agreements aren't static documents – they are alive and evolve as circumstances change and kids develop. Build in regular review periods where you can:

• Celebrate successes

• Address ongoing challenges

• Make necessary adjustments

• Recommit to the agreements that are working well

These check-ins reinforce that problem-solving is an ongoing, collaborative process rather than a power struggle. It can also help foster that culture of feedback within the family and within each individual member of the family. So much struggle comes from not being skilled in giving and receiving feedback and low stakes practice (aka safe to fail) in this type of forum is priceless.

The Long-Term Benefits

What begins as a practical approach to reducing daily conflicts gradually develops into something far more valuable: a family culture of mutual respect, collaborative problem-solving, and truly effective communication. These are precisely the 'soft skills' gifted children need to navigate their complex inner and outer worlds successfully.

If you'd like to transform your family by establishing a foundation of cooperation in your home, I'd be happy to discuss how my coaching approach might help your family develop these practices in ways that honour your gifted child's unique needs and strengths alongside your family's unique circumstances. Book a no-obligation discovery call to explore whether working together might benefit your family.

Here's to letting go of power struggles and the fast failing world of coercive control and inviting true partnership and cooperation with your remarkable child!