Gifted ≠ Better: What Our Fastest Learners Are Trying to Tell Us

A friend messaged me after reading one of my posts about raising gifted kids.

She said, “Gifted does not mean better than.” She went on to add that what I had offered described her experience growing up but that it had been “too scary to talk about” up until now.

Her reflection stayed with me because, in just a few words, it captured a paradox that lives at the heart of giftedness: We desperately need to name the experience, yet we’re often afraid to.

The Fear of Superiority

Why? Because giftedness is often mistaken for superiority. Superiority has no place in honest conversations about growth, challenge, and unmet needs. If we don’t speak up, we can’t be seen. If we can’t be seen, the right support never arrives.

In a society that prioritizes achievement, the fear of being perceived as arrogant or elitist can silence many voices. Parents and gifted children alike may feel pressured to downplay their experiences. This silence can prevent necessary conversations about well-being, support, and understanding.

The Cultural Ladder We’re All Climbing (Even If We Don’t Want To)

From birth, children are measured, weighed, and ranked. “Percentile” becomes a parent’s first report card, and from there, the ladder only grows steeper.

By the time a child is identified as gifted, they’ve often already internalized the idea that being “fast,” “early,” or “bright” is something to feel proud of… or ashamed of. Rarely is it framed simply as authentically them.

In our culture, any deviance from the norm gets turned into hierarchy. Faster is better. Smarter is better. Earlier is better.

Yet, in real life (especially in parenting) it’s rarely that simple. The pressure to conform to these standards can cause significant emotional distress for both children and their families.

The Consequences of Misunderstanding

Gifted children often grapple with profound feelings of isolation. They might feel that their peers don’t understand them. This sense of being "different" can lead to a variety of emotional challenges, including anxiety and depression.

Furthermore, when society values speed and achievement over emotional depth, gifted children may find themselves questioning their worth. They may internalize the belief that to be valued, they must always excel.

Creating supportive environments is crucial. Families need spaces where these children can thrive without the pressure of constant performance.

What If Giftedness Isn’t a Trophy? What If It's a Signal?

There’s a metaphor I often return to in my work: Gifted kids are the canaries in the coal mine.

Their intensity, sensitivity, and rapid development aren’t signs that they’re “better.” They’re signs that they’re responding—early and deeply—to conditions that affect us all.

Emotional disconnection. Mismatched learning environments. The hollowness of rote memorization. The stress of being known for what you can do, rather than who you are.

These issues are present in many families. But in gifted families, they tend to show up first—and louder. Giftedness isn’t about running ahead. It’s about feeling things more vividly, more vulnerably, and often more painfully.

It’s not better. It’s just… different. And different brings different needs.

Tortoise, Meet Hare

When my son was little, I must have told him Aesop's fable of the tortoise and the hare a hundred times.

I wasn’t trying to slow him down. I was trying to protect him from the cultural current that says fast equals worthy, that rest is laziness, that processing time is a flaw.

I knew his gifted brain could race ahead. But I wanted him to know that speed doesn’t define success. Sometimes, slow is steady, and steady is wise.

The world might reward the hare, but that doesn’t mean the tortoise is failing.

Because even in a home steeped in emotional attunement and developmental respect, these myths can creep in. If we don’t tell new stories, these myths can take root.

What Gifted Families Really Need

If giftedness isn’t “better,” then what is it? It’s a different developmental trajectory. One that calls for nuanced, responsive support. It’s a brain wired for complexity, meaning, sensitivity, and systems thinking.

It’s a child asking existential questions before they can tie their shoes. It’s a family dynamic that doesn’t fit standard scripts, and can’t be forced to.

Which means the right support isn’t one-size-fits-all worksheets or sticker charts, which eventually fail all children anyway.

Gifted families need:

• Environments that witness, mirror, and name the lived experience.

• Emotional safety, permission, and the container in which to feel.

• Freedom from coercive control of any kind.

• Meaningful co-creation that precedes cooperation and compliance.

• Guidance that honors the inner disintegration that often comes before integration.

  
  

This is why I ground my work in Aware Parenting, trauma-informed care, and the lens of Positive Disintegration. Because giftedness, when met well, isn’t a crisis. It’s a call to evolve.

The Quiet Revolution

There’s already a quiet revolution underway in homes like yours. It’s not loud. It’s not flashy. But it’s powerful. It starts when we stop whispering about what our kids need and start building systems, families, and relationships that truly see them.

If you’ve felt the discomfort of being misunderstood. If your child is “too much” for the world, but just right for you. You're not alone.

And you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. The future isn’t coming. For gifted families, it just arrives early.

So, let’s get to building something that actually fits it. Join my 2026 offering Brilliant and Resilient Conversation Series where parents of gifted children are coming together in conversations that matter, transforming their homes and lives.