How (and When) to Tell Your Child They’re Gifted

What do you actually say to your child when you realise they’re gifted?

That deceptively simple question sparked a truly meaningful discussion. Parents joined me during the last Annual Mensa Conference for a facilitated conversation that felt equal parts curiosity, vulnerability, and a bit of relief. 

This conversation was never about having the “right” answer. Families come from diverse cultural, societal, and personal contexts; each carries its own truths. Yet research is so clear that some approaches serve gifted children better than others AND there are always exceptions.

Our task was to honour both: to listen deeply and stay anchored in our own values.

The Spark

For three consecutive AMCs, I’ve seen and heard how much parents of gifted children long for meaningful connection with each other. So this exchange crystallised something essential: Parents hunger for safe spaces where they can explore complex questions together.

As a parent myself, I understand this need firsthand. Before becoming a parenting coach, I spent 15 years working with young people. I worked intensively with them one to one, in groups, through advocacy and inside policy design. I hold a Bachelor’s degree in Youth Studies that centered around child and adolescent development, and my practice today is grounded in Aware Parenting, an evidence-based approach created by Swiss-American developmental psychologist Dr Aletha Solter. Her expansion and specificity around Piaget’s theories continues to shape both my family life and my professional work. 

In short, I don’t just practice what I preach. I preach what I practice.

What We Discovered

We began with a simple frame: there’s no right or wrong way to talk about giftedness. Then the parents turned to one another asking questions. Do you tell your child they’re gifted? If so, when, and how? If not, why not?

Most disclosed that they share on a need-to-know basis. Perhaps when a child was entering a specialised program, struggling socially with peers, or encountering friction with a teacher. They instinctively knew they needed to give their child a broader context and a more accurate understanding of the situation. Some used light metaphors like “fast thinker”, or that their brain is like “driving a ferrari”. Ultimately wanted their children to feel normal and to understand that they aren't alone in the way they are experiencing the world. 

Next, we explored the hereditary nature of giftedness. What were our own experiences as children? Had we been recognised or told? Was it a family member? What was their experience?

A parent from Vietnam shared a story that stayed with me. 

Historically, giftedness there was recognised by the king himself, and thus entire communities took responsibility for nurturing such children. Families collectively mirrored and elevated them so that no gifted child stood alone. In that context, there was little need for a formal “talk”. Their giftedness was already seen.

That reflection echoed what an adult Mensan told me over breakfast earlier that day. He’d attended a school in France where gifted education was embedded: testing, differentiation, and enrichment for gifted children was the norm. His parents were never even informed of his scores because the school handled everything. He never felt “othered”, just nurtured.. He said in his experience all the children were all met where they were at and given what they needed. 

These stories converged on one truth: what our children need most is not the label, but to have their lived experience validated. To feel seen, accepted, and resourced to be able to flourish as themselves.

Guidelines for Parents

From our discussion, six guiding principles emerged. Simple, human ways to bring the conversation to life and then keep is alive in our families:

1. It’s not one conversation. It’s many. Like sex education, understanding your own body and brain unfolds over time and with lived experience. Stay open and available so your child can come back to you for accurate and personalised information.
   

2. Speak on an as-needed basis. Leverage teachable moments that arise in everyday life. Ample opportunities arise around friendship struggles, program invitations, and academic or emotional challenges. Use those to offer small, digestible insights about how the gifted brain works.
   

3. Less is more. Say a little, and leave a lot of space for questions. Signal safety with phrases like “I love how curious you are,” and “What you’re asking is really important,” and “You ask such great questions” and “I like thinking about things with you” and “Thanks for asking!”
   

4. Start with their perspective. Ask what they already know or believe about giftedness before adding your own thoughts. Ask questions about their response to go deeper. Understanding their current narrative helps you fill genuine gaps and fix disempowered meaning making.
   

5. Prepare yourself first. Clarify your own understanding, preferably in three to five dot points. Choose relaxed, interruption-free times to talk. That could be car rides, mealtimes, walking, or bedtime. Every family is different. Limit distractions (phone off, other kids occupied) and practice beforehand so you can be smooth(er) in your delivery.
   

6. Speak in metaphors and use metaphors. Gifted kids love working things out so creating ‘ah ha’ moments is pure gold. Using descriptors like high performance vehicles, super computers, or likening their minds to rainforests can help point to complexity, allowing them to join the dots. 
   

Our children most likely won’t learn about giftedness anywhere else, at least not accurately. It’s up to us as parents to make it visible, meaningful, and as empowering as possible without letting it become about being better than, smarter than, or superior too.

Belonging Matters

Like-ability groups such as Mensa help create vital ecosystems of belonging. 

Here in Victoria, thanks to our brilliant Gifted Children’s Coordinators and the support of our fabulous state secretary, we have a thriving monthly family games day, bi-annual speakers’ events, and access to the annual national conference. For my own child, these gatherings have been regular, reliable places where he can see himself reflected in his peers.

Continuing the Conversation

If this conversation resonates, and if you’re craving a space to explore questions like these with other parents of gifted children, I’m opening a new container for more of these structured conversations. Over 12 weeks we’ll have 12 conversations, unpacking the real-life questions that keep you up at night. You’ll discover practical ways forward that will leave you feeling resourced, confident, and deeply connected.

Spaces are limited and we start January 28. To reserve your spot (or find out more) simply click here. 

If you know another parent quietly wondering how to talk with their gifted child, please share this article with them. The more gifted children know and understand themselves to more of themselves they can share with the world.