How Attachment Play Builds Trust, Safety, and Cooperation in Parenting

Two years ago, I shared a moment in a Facebook post that perfectly captured my parenting philosophy: choosing connection over coercion. In a high-pressure situation, I found a way to balance empathy and creativity, turning a potential conflict into a moment of deep connection. Let me show you why these moments matter and how Attachment Play can transform your parenting approach.

Why Attachment Play Works

Attachment Play was developed by Swiss-American developmental psychologist Aletha Solter PhD as part of the Aware Parenting approach. It's a form of therapeutic play that emphasises connection and offers an effective alternative to punishments, threats, and bribes. It taps into children's innate need to feel powerful and seen, often through play that reverses everyday power dynamics. These moments of playful connection allow children to release pent-up tension, process stress, and regain a sense of agency in a world that often leaves them feeling powerless.

Play builds the emotional safety and trust that healthy relationships run on. When we parent with tools like Attachment Play, we strengthen the bond with our children and foster cooperation without breaking trust. Instead, we model mutual respect, even in high-demand situations.

The Original Post: A Moment of Connection

Yesterday my son and I were out running errands that included a brief but boring meeting with a government official.

I told my son that I'd be surprised if this meeting went longer than 5 minutes and definitely not more than 10.

20 minutes later, irritated, he started hand-signing to me that my time was up. The government official turned to take a phone call and I had the painful realisation that we'd be here for even longer. My son told me in no uncertain terms that he was not willing to wait.

I felt a pang of dread. Were we going to have... a scene?

In the past, this moment of mortification would have grown. I, like all parents, am on show everywhere I go. These days as a parenting coach, if he has big feelings in public I usually enjoy modelling how empathic listening happens, but a business meeting is different.

I knew I had a few seconds to empathise and pick a game.

This was not to distract him from his very appropriate emotional response to being told one thing and then getting another, but so I could get through the rest of this meeting. I needed to resolve my issue but I also wanted to maintain my dignity AND my child's sense of agency.

From a young age, we played a specific Power Reversal game (one of the nine styles of Attachment Play), which is an excellent example of how Power Reversal games build trust and connection. We called it 'Push Me Down'.

Every evening for many months after putting on pyjamas I would strut around the bedroom saying "I am sooooo big and sooooo strong, you can't push me down." Inevitably he would try and I'd dramatically fall over and express mock outrage. "How did you do that? This is an outrage! How dare you! I'm sooooooo big and sooooo powerful, you won't be able to do that again." We'd repeat this many times, him laughing, before tucking him into bed.

This embodied sense of power helped mitigate all the moments in the day, when, as a toddler, he was left feeling insignificant and ineffective. From not being able to reach a door handle to being made to do things against his will. Even in the most respectful families, these incidents build up and the result is often undesirable behaviour.

Power Reversal games work like magic.

So back in our meeting yesterday. As I sized up the situation, I thought how can I give him an embodied sense of power in this otherwise powerless situation?

The answer came in the form of... thumb wars!

Whilst the official was on the phone, I quietly explained the rules and challenged my son to half a dozen rounds. My thumb theatrically strutted and bragged about being huge only to fall to his mighty power.

The meeting then went on for another 10 minutes, but with his emotional cup full, my son was able to busy himself with the simple joys of the swivel chair. We left with smiles on our faces, deeply connected to each other and with my issue resolved.

Oftentimes these situations are avoidable (it could have been done online), but when they are not, it is our reaction to them that determines their effects.

Practical Tips for Parenting Without Punishment

1. Incorporate Power Reversal Games: Look for moments in your daily routine where you can playfully reverse roles through Power Reversal games. Let your child feel "powerful" and you take on the role of "vulnerable", through exaggerated reactions, laughter, and silliness.

2. Empathise First: Before diving into play, acknowledge your child's emotions. Let them feel seen and heard before you offer a playful solution.

3. Adapt on the Fly: Every child and situation is unique. Thumb wars worked for us that day, but the key is tuning into your child's needs and finding a playful way to meet them.

4. Prioritise Connection Over Control: Remember, the goal isn't to distract or manipulate your child into compliance but to nurture their emotional wellbeing while maintaining trust.

Conclusion: The Ace Up Your Sleeve

Attachment Play is more than a parenting tool; it's a way of building trust with children and creating a foundation of safety that carries through every interaction. Whether in high-demand situations or the day-to-day grind, entering negotiations with mutual respect ensures that your relationship stays strong and your child's sense of agency remains intact.

If this resonates and you're within reach of Daylesford, I run a free Attachment Play workshop each season, always grounded in Aletha Solter's Aware Parenting, and always my favourite morning of the quarter. To hear when the next one runs, join my email list.

And wherever you are in the world: may your next thumb war be theatrical.